Are feelings just a sign of weakness?
In my family, feelings were not only seen as a sign of weakness, they were seen as overly dramatic and usually completely unnecessary, as well. We were a calm family—happy and relaxed. Fights were few and far between and when they did happen I tended to remove myself from the situation—I was NEVER the one to start a fight.
I grew up with two brothers, many male cousins, and tons of guy friends. I’ve always gotten along well with the opposite sex. In fact, most of the time I prefer hanging with the guys rather than dealing with all that messy, drama filled “girl” stuff.
I’ve heard a million times what a laid back, relaxed, chill person I am. I always took it as a compliment. It wasn’t until I started working with a coach and got introspective that I realized my “laid back” attitude is really just a defense mechanism. And, instead of seeing only the positive of my relaxed attitude I began to see what I had missed because of it—the people I had hurt, the friends I had lost, and the acquaintances I hadn’t bothered with—all because I preferred to avoid the drama. And by avoiding the drama….I ended up avoiding my life!
Throughout time and evolution nature has developed our emotions and they serve specific purposes. They are our internal guidance system and when our natural human needs aren’t being met—our emotions let us know (http://www.socialresearchmethods.net/Gallery/Young/emotion.htm). When we feel afraid—our need for safety is not being met. When we feel rejected—our need for acceptance is not being met. When we feel lonely—our need for connection is not being met. When we cut ourselves off to our emotions we are making it impossible for our guidance system to help us. Now that I’ve stopped fighting the fact that people are emotional for a reason I’m working to become aware of my feelings and what they are trying to tell me.
If you’re anything like me, take some time every day to check in with yourself—what are you feeling? Sad, hurt, anger, joy, or fear? Just knowing that you’re feeling SOMETHING can stop you from avoiding your life and help you to get all those natural human needs met.
Tags: avoidance, drama, emotions, feelings, human needs
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My family was the same way. I was always taught that saying things in the moment was bad, and it was better to calm down first, and then approach the situation through logic and reason, not emotional charge. It’s been really hard for me attempting to flow with my emotions and make them public, especially hurt, anger, and fear. Historically I have always bottled those up and then addressed them at a later time, but it was always in a tempered, watered down version because I didn’t want to hurt/offend/scare off the other person. Paying attention and expressing my emotions has definitely been a wonderful gain from the work in YOM I’ve been doing because it has helped me eliminate a lot of anxiety and angst over what to say and how to say something and holding that in for days, weeks, months, or even years. The times where I have truly expressed what I had to say in the moment have been largely gratifying and allowed me to move on with things instead of being hung up it.