Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape is, without question, my favorite book. I think everyone should read it. This compilation of essays written by feminists (both men and women) is the first book I have found that lays out a creative (vs reactive) vision for sex and sexuality in our society; instead of talking about sex from the traditional “no means no” message that defines consensual sex as not saying “no,” the authors of this book instead encourages society to teach couples how to approach sexuality from the expectation that there is “enthusiastic consent” to each and everything that happens in the bedroom.

I think enthusiastic consent is a genius method for building positive relationships; it demands that both partners be engaged in genuine, truthful conversations about what’s wanted in each and every intimate encounter.

What a great way to build a positive sexual relationship– what a great way to build ANY relationship!

I’ve been doing an inventory of my relationships, both romantic and platonic, and I have noticed how few of them operate with consistently open, honest, and direct communication. In evaluating my relationships, I’ve noticed four patterns that keep me from having authentic relationships built on Truth:

1)     I don’t know how to directly ask for what I want-or let my embarrassment or fear get in the way of speaking up.

2)     I don’t know what I want and defer to someone else to make decisions for me or mirror their wants.

3)     I’m not up to date on my relationships: I assume that yesterday’s (or last year’s) operating agreements are the same and forget that people’s wants change.

4)     I don’t trust other people to be forthcoming with me and try to read minds rather than asking what they want.

Cycling through indecisive, apologetic, and passive communications is not nourishing to me, and it doesn’t help me build intimacy. I think about how much better I feel when I take responsibility for myself, evaluate what I want, go for my satisfaction, and trust that other people are capable of doing the same.

Withholding my wants means that I am building fake relationships based on an inaccurate projection of who I am—my “false self” rather than genuinely intimate relationships where I am really seen for who I am as an individual. And, if I can’t be honest with friends about inconsequential things like what movie I want to see and where I want to have dinner, how am I going to be able to directly express what I do and don’t want in my romantic relationships, which are far more intimidating and which I have far less experience negotiating?