Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Singlehood and Snap Decisions

Friday, May 21st, 2010 by Jillian

As the program director of the Singles Program at the Wright Leadership Institute, I was fascinated to come across Malcolm Gladwell’s best-selling book from 2005 “Blink”, in particular his chapter on how we make snap judgments.  He wrote about how singles attending speed-dating events state their absolute must-haves for selecting a match, yet typically select partners not based on any of those criteria. Even more interesting, they change their absolute must-haves directly after selecting their matches to suit that match, only to change it back to their original criteria months after they’ve stopping dating that match.

Confusing? Yes. Does this mean that we shouldn’t date with criteria in mind? Well, I don’t think so. I take this to mean that as singles, we should be aware that our unconscious minds run us despite how much we think we are consciously selecting our match. The more we know our unconscious processes, the better decisions we can make about dating.

The daters Gladwell wrote about stated their potential matches must have qualities such as “intelligence” and “sincerity”, which doesn’t really say much. I think that being as specific as we can about what our criteria are will help us to identify what it is we are really looking for and communicate that to our potential matches. What is “intelligence”? A high I.Q., an academic, someone who finishes cross-word puzzles, someone who can speak about current events? Being specific makes all the difference.

And, of course, it also helps to have allies in our lives to help remind us of the dating patterns we get into, and what we truly yearn for as we are dating.  To improve your dating life and learn about what it means to have a successful satisfying single life, check out Dr. Bob Wright at Young Professional Chicago’s event Tuesday May 25 at Chicago’s Met Club: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=117353791619108&index=1.

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Posted in Coaching, Relationships, Singles, Women | No Comments »

Men on Women and Sex: What Are We Really Thinking?

Thursday, February 25th, 2010 by Jillian

“Men on Women and Sex” is the name of the event being sponsored by the Wright Leadership Institute tomorrow night: http://bit.ly/7oOWIc. This is the night where we women will be listening in to the conversation that men have when they are not with other women! Voices are distorted so we don’t know who is saying what – it’s a great opportunity to ask those questions you would never ask face-to-face.

Some of the women attending are saying: “Do I really care about being the fly on the wall and listening into a locker room conversation where men are talking about women and sex?” Won’t I just be grossed out!?”

When we did the event “Women on Men and Sex”, the night was about relationships and feelings and intimacy, and the guys were asking questions about how to bed us! So, what will the reverse be like?

I’m guessing the conversation will be guided by the questions the women ask…because as we know from our last event, men are still trying to please women in order to get with us. ;-)

Attend the event and share your own thoughts and opinions! Sign up now http://bit.ly/7oOWIc!

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Posted in Leading a Great Life, Singles | No Comments »

Getting beyond the 1st date or not!

Friday, February 19th, 2010 by Angela

I have been coaching our conscious singles group. There have been lots of discussion about second dates. Questions like; how do you get one? If I really don’t like the person, do I need to ask them again? What are the expectations of a second date? I am sure there are others.

Many times you have the first date and upon meeting them there are initial thoughts and reactions. In 17 seconds or less you may have decided you either really like them or you’re just not that into them. The job is to get beyond that initial judgment and reaction and really test the date. Be authentic, be real, tell the truth- see what happens. I mean after all what do you have to lose if you really think you don’t like them?

Then the end of the date comes- it could tricky. You are saying good bye and typically you might say I had a nice time, I’d like to see you again and the other person says yes I’ll call. Then you wait and there is no call. You ask yourself, do I call and find out what’s up? I say, why not just be straight at the end of date. Yes it might hurt to say I am not interested but I think that is less hurtful then, yes I’ll call and never do.

I have encouraged our singles to be as honest as they can be. They don’t have to be rude, just genuine. I have supported them to let someone know that they did have a nice time and that they would like to get together again. I have also encouraged sometimes a second date even when you think you are sure they are not right for you doesn’t hurt. It is good practice to stay engaged and try saying things that you maybe didn’t say the first time. You don’t have anything to lose if you aren’t that interested. However, you might find that it gets more fun as you feel more freely to say what you want.

What do you think about second dates? Are you mainly a one date person unless you think it’s the one?

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Posted in Coaching, Leading a Great Life, Personal Growth, Singles | No Comments »

Hey Singles…Save $19.99 a month!

Friday, February 5th, 2010 by Jillian

Would you prefer to save at least $19.99  a month for sites like match.com or eHarmony? Would you like to not to pay $35 for a speed-dating event? Me too. In fact, I have surrounded myself with people who have HUGE networks, and when I was ready to start dating again, I asked to tap their networks. For free.

There was one woman in our singles program who offered me the chance to glance through her 700 “friends” on facebook and see who I liked, and she would make the connection. Yet another woman in my singles program ran through over 200 phone numbers in her cell phone and start texting men she thought would be a good match for me! Wouldn’t you know that 2 responded within 5 minutes, and I was talking to them over the phone withint 24 hours, and face to face within 1 week? With eHarmony, it took me about 2-3 weeks to get to the point of verbally agreeing (over the internet) to talk over the phone to decide if we wanted to meet face to face. Don’t get me wrong, online dating sites are wonderful ways to generate dating activity, but there are other options that are more cost and energy effective.

Singles, don’t worry about meeting the perfect guy or gal- just agree to go out on a date. A date is not a wedding proposal, or even an expensive and long evening; rather it is a chance to get to know someone, a chance to practice being genuine with another human, having a nourishing encounter, and then deciding if you want to have date #2, #3, and so on. Just like in sales, dating toward a committed relationship is a numbers game, the more dates you have, the more likely you are to encounter someone who is a phenomenal match for you.

Once you’re actively dating and actively making the same mistakes you’ve made in the past, listen to Dr. Bob Wright talk about how our brains guide our attachment to our partners, and how we can break the pattern of thos same mistakes. Use the code “singlefan” for a discount! http://www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/ViewCart.aspx?sctoken=b820c6c5b20947a29dd098613cb89f72&mid=69FE37A8-142B-4864-A8C9-9F149A487A29&bhcp=1

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Posted in Personal Growth, Singles | 1 Comment »

Are "boys" a soft addiction?

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 by Jillian

I was in a conversation today with a talented and attractive young single woman. She shared how enlightened she became realizing that for her, boys were a soft addiction. It might seem strange to think that boys can be a soft addiction, but it’s really not.  The definition of a soft addiction is a ”seemingly harmless habit that zaps our time, money and energy”, and these habits that we do instinctually are trained in our brains to try to get our needs met. These habits don’t work, they don’t meet our needs, and we just deepen the groove in our brains – the neural pathways-  that keep us doing the same thing over and over with the same unsatisfying result.

This woman talked about how she would spend a lot of her time thinking about these boys she was meeting, sending text messaging, and fantasizing about the future with these boys, but then was unsatisfied with the actual dating encounter. I thought about how much I’ve grown in my own dating life and how I’ve really cut out a lot of the unsatisfying bullsh*t that can go along in the dating process. But, really, I do relate. I still play games – softly addictive ways of being- in my dating life. The biggest one for me is the soft addiction of avoidance and ommitting the truth. I routinely avoid sharing how I really feel and what I really want in relationships. It is such a habit for me that it takes writing down what I want to say, telling a friend that I plan on telling my date these things, and even then it takes a lot of chutzpah to do it! At least once a week after a phone conversation with someone I’m dating has ended, I force myself to call back and share what it was that I was really feeling and what I really wanted- otherwise that which I’ve ommitted blocks the intimacy that I am trying to build.

Underneath these soft addictions are unexpressed feelings and deeper hungers. For me, I feel fear and excitement, and experience a hunger to be loved, to be seen, and to matter. I think that’s why I do what I do – the silly wiring in my brain has be thinking that if I share what I want, I won’t get it, and then for sure I won’t be loved. I would bet that the young woman I spoke with was feeling angry about the back and forth superficial text messaging, and a hunger for genuine connection, and so spent time in her fantasies where she could create the relationship that she wants. We talked about this and shared that we are trying new ways of relating to these boys/men, telling the truth, expressing our feelings – in text messages to start – and then in real face to face interactions. This is what it takes to rewiring our brains and start to meet our deeper needs and hungers.

So, I think that boys, or men, certainly can be a soft addiction, but more important it is the ways of being when we are with boys/men that is the issue. Boys and men are great! The soft addictions that we engage in during the dating process is the problem! But isn’t it cool that we can use boys and men to see how different we act, catch these patterns and then change them?

Any thoughts?

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Posted in Leading a Great Life | 1 Comment »