Last week I was riding on the El and saw an advertisement for a study about depression. It announced that people who have more anxiety than usual, who are unusually irritable, or having trouble sleeping may be depressed, but come join the study and see if our new magic drug will cure you! (flippancy added)

As someone who has been unnecessarily put on drugs, I feel outraged by these advertisements and what it reflects about our society’s tendency to use drugs as a means of managing people’s upset.

Six years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I mentioned to my new doctor that I was experiencing cycles of exhaustion and hyper-energy and after a 10 question survey, she diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed Lithium.  Two more doctors confirmed her diagnosis within a matter of minutes– it was a  “classic case”—one added an anti-depressant to help off-set the possible low that would come from the Lithium’s attempts to reduce the high.

So I spent my college years taking serious drugs and meeting with psychiatrists, psychologists, and doctors, many of whom didn’t think I had bipolar disorder, but kept me on the meds anyhow “just to be safe”. These are not innocent drugs to be on: I gained 50 pounds, slept 16 hours a day, and generally felt dazed and foggy.

What I know now is that my “classic bipolar” was, in fact, the culmination of all my efforts to suppress my emotions, which I experienced to be an overwhelming “puddle of mess” inside of me. I didn’t know how to interpret what I was experiencing or distinguish one feeling from the other;  I remember people would ask me how I was feeling and the honest answer was, “I don’t know”. It took me a really long time to move through upset—I could spend weeks in a funk.  And, as hard as I tried to suppress my emotions, they would find a way to erupt—and then they felt uncontrollable and scary—so I tried even harder to suppress them.  Even joy was threatening—I was so relieved to not feel depressed that I would explode with hyper, manic energy.

I would like to think that this doesn’t happen very often that I’m one of only a handful that has been medicated unnecessarily, but the truth is, bipolar disorder is the fastest growing mood disorder diagnosed in children. We as a society are unwilling to look at and nurture emotions in children (or in ourselves) and instead tell ourselves that we are bad or wrong for feeling things. And now, in addition to the old messages—that anger is a symptom of PMS, or irrational bitchiness, that we need to stop being a wimp, grow thicker skin, or “just get over it”, we are being inundated with the message that all of our troubles can be cured with medication.

I was fortunate to find a psychologist in my senior year of college who encouraged me start doing work with my emotions. He would sit with me patiently and watch me struggle to put words to the “puddle of mess”. He told me to hang up a list of emotions on my wall and check in with it several times a day.

I’ve come a long way since then. My on-going work with the Wright Leadership Institute has taught me invaluable lessons about the gifts that come from honoring my emotions, expressing them, and holding them as Divine.  Being with my emotions takes considerably less energy than trying to suppress them. I can move through the hurt and upset in a matter of minutes instead of weeks. I’m more grounded and alive and I use my emotions to help me understand myself better. And even when I am scared or hurt or angry, I know that I am okay; I can dig into the pain and not feel like the world is coming to an end. And I feel joy more fully and meaningfully because I’m not holding my breath waiting for it to disappear.

I hold a vision that someday there won’t be a market for anti-depressants and mood stabilizers; that we will use medication as a last resort and that instead, our society will hold emotions as a valuable resource and will teach children to engage fully with them.

I would love to have you join me in my vision. Start tapping into the power of your emotions at our next More Life Training June 4-6, 2010.