Many of you might have heard the saying that “camp is for the counselors” but I want to add another one to that which is “camp is for the parents” of the campers. This is the third year now that our daughters have attended a four-week away camp in northern Wisconsin. Fours weeks seemed like such a long time to have them away. I worried about them, but soon realized that I was just avoiding the feelings I was having about being alone for four weeks with my husband for the first time in over ten years! It soon became apparent how much we let the kids be a distraction for the two of us in the normal course of our days and weeks. We work on having dates and making time to be alone together, but having a long chunk like this of “just us” I see how much we divide and conquer on weekends and do a lot separately with the girls. These past weeks we have had so much fun and have really created our own “camp” experience – working and playing and talking and other fun couple activities! I have mixed feelings about them coming home. I am really excited to see them and be a full family again, but I am also sad to have the alone time with my husband end. It will be our job to consciously create the time together and make sure it happens even amidst the adventure of family life!
Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’
Empowering Teen Leaders
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010 by AngelaI participated on a mother son adventure weekend and there was simultaneously a father daughter adventure weekend. It is for children ages 5-12 and then at age 13-18 they become teen leads with their parents. We create an adventure by using the characters and themes from a movie. The young boys and mothers go and talk about their fears, their goals, what upsets them, what they want and what matters. It is so amazing to me. It is incredible the lessons on leadership and empowerment we all learn. I wish I had the opportunity as a child.
My son is too young to be a participant however, he was there with a babysitter while I assisted. When we got together that evening with the other moms and sons, I brought him to the awards ceremony on Friday night. He is only 2.5 years old. He started leaning and laying on one of the boys. I looked at him and told him, we all sit up straight and on our own. He did it and put his hands in his lap and participated. He clapped and cheered as the other boys did. Later he kept walking back and forth and distracting what was going on. I gave him a warning to sit or he would need to leave the circle. He kept doing it and so I gave him a time out. He cried a little and when it was down, I asked him why he got the time out, (something I have been doing with him since he was almost 2), he told me in his own words. I just kept remembering how much they are capable of and how much they already know and it is me who tries to keep him small or not teach him the skills now to support him when the difficult decisions will come. He knows what the 5 primary feelings are and can demonstrate them. I value these weekends and realize it is a journey and they are helping me teach him more than what I did at those ages.
The older boys (13-18) support leading them. I loved watching how they loved mentoring the younger boys. I was inspired as they asked questions about competition, leadership, feelings towards younger siblings and how to be okay. They were sorting it out with each other and using their moms and Dr. Bob Wright for coaching and feedback.
My stepdaughter was leading on the father daughter adventure. It was her last year as a teen lead. I was proud of hearing how she shared the importance of the journey she has had. She was in her heart talking about the meaning of these weekends for her and the time she spent with her dad. She felt like she grew up on these weekends (she has probably attended 10 of them- the first ones as a participant and the last 5 as a teen lead). She stressed the importance of taking advantage of them now and when you are together because the weekend goes by quickly and you don’t know when you won’t have the opportunity again. I feel so blessed to have been part of her journey of growing into a beautiful young woman, one who will be more prepared for leadership and college in more ways than we know.
I am so grateful to have been part of these before I had children to support me on how to be a better parent. I am so clear that what I do now in these early years will impact how he engages in life, how he handles difficult situations and peer pressure. I am creating a foundation for him to deal with peer pressure. I am more hopeful of being a decent mom knowing it is okay to not have it all together and to be able to freely talk about the difficult parts of parenting and to love him even fully.
Crunchies or no crunchies, that is the question! – a parenting crash course
Wednesday, January 13th, 2010 by BarbOur one year old son loves crunchies (crackers, puffs, whatever you call them). He has learned how to use sign language to ask for them and when he’s looking for a snack, that’s what he wants. He shoves them in his mouth four or five at a time – a bit of an infant feeding frenzy. The crunchies are like baby crack to him – or so I had been obsessing.
As a new parent, I have to find something to focus on, so this has been my on again/off again silent worry. Does he already have eating issues? After all, I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. Plus I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with him – what if I’ve already corrupted his relationship with food before he has even hit two years old! I’ve traditionally been a staunch carbohydrate addict myself – loving to pull my chair up to a table of potatoes and breadstuffs of any form. Did I pass this on already?
So it’s easy, even at the age of one year, to put all of my food anxiety and food history directly on my child.
But in reality, that’s what it is. My issue – not his. In addition to crackers, my son loves all kinds of foods—fruits and vegetables and meats. He delights in sweet potatoes, green beans, eggs, and even seaweed. He’ll just as readily eat a vegetarian Ethiopian meal off my plate as a pizza. And he doesn’t overeat. In fact, he’s consistently in the 35th percentile for weight.
This is my job as a parent – reclaim my own issues, challenges, feelings, and projections and continue to work on them myself. It’s a huge lesson I’ve learned from my personal growth training at the Wright Leadership Institute. Of course, it doesn’t mean I neglect my son’s diet or don’t pay attention when something’s not working with him. But mainly, my job is to raise myself – and to use my parenting as a mirror for my next piece of growth work.
Won’t it be fun to find out what I learn from my next obsession!
Parenting for Dummies: what’s missing in your Parenting.
Thursday, November 19th, 2009 by BerylI’ve always thought my job as a mother was probably the hardest job in the world. I didn’t get any training on how to be a good mother – probably most people didn’t. One thing that has really helped me see my blind spots as a parent is studying Family Systems Theory – specifically the roles and functions in my family of creation and, more importantly, what roles were missing that were preventing us from having a well-functioning family. I discovered that my family of creation was missing team leader and communicator – two vital functions. Once we realized that, we were able to fill the gaps that those roles left in our family – and our family functions better as a result, and my parenting is better.
What roles do you play in your family system? Check out the Parenting and Family Program at the Wright Leadership Institute (http://wrightliving.com/programs/parenting/index.php) for further training and education.
Night Fright Resolved in the Family System
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 by GertrudeWho knew that by my husband and I talking about our current fears our daughter would no longer be afraid to go to bed! It all started one night when our daughter was six years old and she got up during the night and could not find us in the house. We were in the very back of our basement on the computer, but when she called down there we didn’t hear her. She was really scared and eventually made her way back there to find us. But it started a pattern where every night when we put her to bed she was afraid and she wanted to know where we were going to be in the house or tell us we couldn’t leave the second floor.
We tried reasoning with her and telling her we wouldn’t leave her alone and that we would be somewhere in the house. She would cry and beg us not to leave. We set up a system where we put a stuffed animal on the top of the stairs to let her know we left the floor. None of it made a difference
We brought the issue into our parenting coaching session with Dr. Bob Wright and we were surprised that rather than try and figure out what was wrong with her, he asked how the two of us were doing and what we were afraid of but not talking about. What did this have to do with our daughter’s night fright? Knowing a bit about family systems I understood that sometimes if feelings are being withheld in the system someone else will play those feelings out. It turns out that once we started talking my husband and had a lot we were afraid of. He had just started his own company and I had recently gone back to work after having been a stay at home mom for four years. These were exciting changes but we were ignoring the fear we were experiencing. Once we started openly expressing this fear with each other and talking as a family acknowledging the changes that were going on my daughter’s fears literally stopped! She had unconsciously been playing out the fear in the family system. So now, whenever one of our daughters starts acting out in some way we look at what is going on with each other as the first step in dealing with it.
“Sacred Travel” to a Park
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 by AngelaIt was a average day and it looked like rain. I had several errands to run before work and didn’t have much time. My son who is 2 really wanted to go to the park. I scheduled out the morning and worked it out to have about an hour to get to and from the park and have maybe 45 mins to play there and then I would go straight to work.
As the morning progressed, things were moving along and of course you don’t plan for the little detours that happen. The time was getting tighter. I looked at the clock and I have 35 minutes to go to the park. My mind went back and forth- go, not go. I had all the reasons in the world to not go- not enough time, it probably will rain, etc.
Suddenly, I remember what I had learned from Judith Wright over the years on the sacred travel trips and pilgrimages she leads each year. We would be in a different city and we would have a small window of time. She would have us go into a museum and see one specific painting she read about or go into a temple and pray and meditate or wherever she would have us go. We would take in the awe and wonderment of that place in a short period of time realizing you don’t really need that much time to have a great experience yet I know I tell myself all the time that I need more time to do it.
With that memory, I said we are going to the park. I cruised there with my son in the baby jogger, me in my work attire and computer bag. We got to the park and I set my timer for 22 minutes. I told my son we only have a small time to play and let’s go. He had a blast in those 22 minutes. He went up and down the slide several times, hung from the monkey bars. He even met a little friend who lives close to where I work and I met her mom. We all connected in a short period of time. I felt I had a pilgrimage moment at a park.
I am grateful for the lessons I have learned on the trips Judith Wright has lead. I have learned how to experience life more fully and it has transformed how I travel and how I take “mini” trips every day.
Liar, liar, pants on fire. Instill the principle of truth and fight back against lying in your family!
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 by BerylNot again! Your child has just lied to you, and then compounded the situation by denying it. You’re angry and frustrated. What do you do?
Don’t freak out – lying is a natural stage that every child goes through! It is normal for a child to test the limits to get attention. Most children lie because they are afraid to tell the truth – just like adults they have already formed beliefs about the “okayness” of the truth”.
If a child doesn’t learn to get positive attention, they will surely seek out negative attention. So give them the positive attention that they crave. Underline the positive moves that they make and the things that they do well. Ask them open-ended questions about their answers, such as “tell me about what’s underneath the lying”. Create a safe space for them to learn about telling the truth, and give them lots of positive reinforcement for “fessing up” to a lie they have told.
Share your journey with the truth with them and what’s underneath lying for you – it will create a sense of mutuality with your child that will open a more open and honest dialogue that may continue for years to come.
Want to know more about being a great parent? Visit www.wrightliving.com/programs/parenting and find out.
Raising a Billionaire – Parent Advice from Bill Gates, Sr.
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 by GertrudeGuess who gave this response when asked what the best advice he ever got was?
“Well, my dad and my mom were great at encouraging me as a kid to do things that I wasn’t good at, to go out for a lot of different sports like swimming, football, soccer, and I didn’t know why. At the time I thought it was kind of pointless, but it ended up really exposing me to leadership opportunities and showing me that I wasn’t good at a lot of things, instead of sticking to things that I was comfortable with. It was fantastic, and now some of those activities I cherish. They had to stick to it because I pushed back a lot, but it was fantastic advice.” (Fortune, July 2008)
Unless you saw the article in Fortune magazine I doubt you would guess it was Microsoft billionaire, Bill Gates. I know I would not have because I would think someone so successful would say the best advice he got was more directly business focused. But as a mom I am really struck by both the simplicity of it and the power of it. To me the point isn’t so much that his parents just put him in a bunch of activities. I see it as guiding my children to develop as many aspects of themselves as they can and to stick with the ones that are challenging and not give up. I like remembering that I can be strategic and set standards for my family around participating in diverse activities. We have said things like you will play so many different types of sports and you will master one of them. We also expect challenges and failures and strategize how we are going to deal with them ahead of time. As I am writing this I am bubbling with just how rich the “advice” from Mr. Gates is. Let me know what you are thinking and I will add more in my next blog. Gertrude
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