Posts Tagged ‘single’

Hey Singles…Save $19.99 a month!

Friday, February 5th, 2010 by Jillian

Would you prefer to save at least $19.99  a month for sites like match.com or eHarmony? Would you like to not to pay $35 for a speed-dating event? Me too. In fact, I have surrounded myself with people who have HUGE networks, and when I was ready to start dating again, I asked to tap their networks. For free.

There was one woman in our singles program who offered me the chance to glance through her 700 “friends” on facebook and see who I liked, and she would make the connection. Yet another woman in my singles program ran through over 200 phone numbers in her cell phone and start texting men she thought would be a good match for me! Wouldn’t you know that 2 responded within 5 minutes, and I was talking to them over the phone withint 24 hours, and face to face within 1 week? With eHarmony, it took me about 2-3 weeks to get to the point of verbally agreeing (over the internet) to talk over the phone to decide if we wanted to meet face to face. Don’t get me wrong, online dating sites are wonderful ways to generate dating activity, but there are other options that are more cost and energy effective.

Singles, don’t worry about meeting the perfect guy or gal- just agree to go out on a date. A date is not a wedding proposal, or even an expensive and long evening; rather it is a chance to get to know someone, a chance to practice being genuine with another human, having a nourishing encounter, and then deciding if you want to have date #2, #3, and so on. Just like in sales, dating toward a committed relationship is a numbers game, the more dates you have, the more likely you are to encounter someone who is a phenomenal match for you.

Once you’re actively dating and actively making the same mistakes you’ve made in the past, listen to Dr. Bob Wright talk about how our brains guide our attachment to our partners, and how we can break the pattern of thos same mistakes. Use the code “singlefan” for a discount! http://www.mcssl.com/SecureCart/ViewCart.aspx?sctoken=b820c6c5b20947a29dd098613cb89f72&mid=69FE37A8-142B-4864-A8C9-9F149A487A29&bhcp=1

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Posted in Personal Growth, Singles | 1 Comment »

How being a Transformational Leader can help you have a successful singlehood

Friday, October 30th, 2009 by Jillian

What does being a transformational leader have to do with having a successful singlehood?

Well, here’s what I think. A transformational leader (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transformational_leadership) is a visionary leader who inspires a team of people to be invested in the group’s outcome; this type of leader creates value and positive change in any people in and around that team. As a single woman I have created a team of people around me to support me in my single life. I have shared myself with them including the vision I have for my life as a single and the type of partnership I want with a man who I am dating.

These people on my support team are phenomenal! They neither collude with me about “bad dates” I have, nor indulge any discouragement I may feel from time to time. They are also going for similar outcomes in their life and are inspired to be different people who can attract fun, suitable partners everywhere they go! They are invested in my outcome  and remind me of my vision, coaching me  toward alignment with the outcome I seek. This is different than a group of friends who might encourage me to settle, or tell me that I can’t have what I want and I should give up.

I’m curious to know how other singles view this topic and how to benefit from becoming a transformational leader. Please respond!

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Posted in Leading a Great Life, Singles | No Comments »

Are "boys" a soft addiction?

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 by Jillian

I was in a conversation today with a talented and attractive young single woman. She shared how enlightened she became realizing that for her, boys were a soft addiction. It might seem strange to think that boys can be a soft addiction, but it’s really not.  The definition of a soft addiction is a ”seemingly harmless habit that zaps our time, money and energy”, and these habits that we do instinctually are trained in our brains to try to get our needs met. These habits don’t work, they don’t meet our needs, and we just deepen the groove in our brains – the neural pathways-  that keep us doing the same thing over and over with the same unsatisfying result.

This woman talked about how she would spend a lot of her time thinking about these boys she was meeting, sending text messaging, and fantasizing about the future with these boys, but then was unsatisfied with the actual dating encounter. I thought about how much I’ve grown in my own dating life and how I’ve really cut out a lot of the unsatisfying bullsh*t that can go along in the dating process. But, really, I do relate. I still play games – softly addictive ways of being- in my dating life. The biggest one for me is the soft addiction of avoidance and ommitting the truth. I routinely avoid sharing how I really feel and what I really want in relationships. It is such a habit for me that it takes writing down what I want to say, telling a friend that I plan on telling my date these things, and even then it takes a lot of chutzpah to do it! At least once a week after a phone conversation with someone I’m dating has ended, I force myself to call back and share what it was that I was really feeling and what I really wanted- otherwise that which I’ve ommitted blocks the intimacy that I am trying to build.

Underneath these soft addictions are unexpressed feelings and deeper hungers. For me, I feel fear and excitement, and experience a hunger to be loved, to be seen, and to matter. I think that’s why I do what I do – the silly wiring in my brain has be thinking that if I share what I want, I won’t get it, and then for sure I won’t be loved. I would bet that the young woman I spoke with was feeling angry about the back and forth superficial text messaging, and a hunger for genuine connection, and so spent time in her fantasies where she could create the relationship that she wants. We talked about this and shared that we are trying new ways of relating to these boys/men, telling the truth, expressing our feelings – in text messages to start – and then in real face to face interactions. This is what it takes to rewiring our brains and start to meet our deeper needs and hungers.

So, I think that boys, or men, certainly can be a soft addiction, but more important it is the ways of being when we are with boys/men that is the issue. Boys and men are great! The soft addictions that we engage in during the dating process is the problem! But isn’t it cool that we can use boys and men to see how different we act, catch these patterns and then change them?

Any thoughts?

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Posted in Leading a Great Life | 1 Comment »