Posts Tagged ‘Soft Addictions’

Stop putting off your life!

Thursday, August 26th, 2010 by Beryl

Are you always running out of time, putting things off and feeling stressed? If this rings true for you, you are probably a procrastinator. Procrastination is not just a minor avoidance. It creates unnecessary stress, damages your happiness, and shapes your life. I know from personal experience the hard way – I am a master procrastinator. I wait until the very last minute to do almost everything. Then I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to squeeze things in to a time period that is far too short for the task at hand. Very stressful, to say the least. Luckily, I have come to realize that the stress and suffering is completely self-imposed! If you want to learn more about the real costs of bad habits like procrastination and what to do about them to take your life back, check out Dr. Judith Wright’s work at http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4959273n. She has also written a best-selling book (one of two best-sellers), The Soft Addiction Solution.

Beryl

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Brick-Breaker: Video game addiction

Thursday, July 8th, 2010 by Jillian

I used to feel so superior to people who played video games for hours on end…wasting their life away indoors, staring at a screen, avoiding real human interaction. What losers! Uh, yeah. Not quite. I sure don’t feel that way now that I’ve had a taste – well, a large meal – of the game Brickbreaker on my blackberry.

I don’t know how I got into playing this game. I didn’t even know I had it on my Blackberry and all of a sudden I am addicted to Brickbreaker! I have not played video games since my dad gave me a roll of quarters and took me to the backroom of the bookstore in my childhood neighborhood that had the first PacMan. Me and Atari were pretty good friends, but I hadn’t been remotely interested in video games until about 2 weeks ago when I found Brickbreaker.

I read this article about video addiction (http://www.guardian.co.uk/theobserver/2010/mar/21/tom-bissell-video-game-cocaine-addiction) and have heard my boss Dr. Judith Wright speak on this topic many times but I always thought I was above this! It really is an addiction – there is no morality in it…it is just very easy to get hooked! One game was not enough for me, I had to play until I could get a higher score. It made no sense, except that I could connect this to the personal development work I’ve done in recognizing my “soft addictions”. I know that I started playing when I felt like I really couldn’t control some of the events that were happening at work, where I was feeling incompetent – at least I could feel competent and successful at Brickbreaker.

However, I really do get know how there are chemicals that are released in my brain that keep me playing game after game even though it is not really fulfilling. The other problem is that I’ve wasted about 4 hours in the past week playing this. 4 hours may not seem like a lot, but it really is – that is 4 hours of sleep that I have been complaining about not getting, a social outing with a friend that I can’t find the time for, or writing the blog that I committed to writing last week that I couldn’t fit into my schedule ;-) !

I really empathize with the author of that article, and see how easy it is to get addicted. It is no big sin, just something to be very aware of.  I’m looking forward to our Soft Addiction Solution weekend tomorrow to help me understand more about my brain chemistry and how I got so addicted to Brickbreaker. I think it’s pretty phenomenal, and if I can understand that, then I will be able to understand how I’ve gotten addicted to other things like moods and thought patterns that I’d like to be free from.

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Ditching your bad habits for a more rewarding life

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010 by Beryl

Most of us struggle with bad habits that cost us time, money, energy and self-esteem. To make it worse, we often feel helpless to give up our “drug” of choice: sugar, carbs, tv, oversleeping, internet surfing, etc. The truth is that these habits prevent us from having the life we really want, the relationships we really want, and the quality of life we really want. But underneath these bad habits – which Dr. Judith Wright of the Wright Leadership Institute calls “Soft Addictions” – are feelings of insecurity, fear, worthlessless, and pain. The bad habits are merely the symptoms – getting underneath them to what’s really going on is the key – and the benefits can be astounding: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/connie-bennett/my-abcs-of-breaking-sugar_b_448407.html. I know it sounds too good to be true, but if you want to have a rockin engaged life filled with aliveness, intimacy and growth, take a good look at your bad habits and what’s really underneath them. I am living proof.

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DSM = Don’t say More!

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 by Jillian
In his article on the new additions to the DSM-IV TR, Edward Shorter writes: “Patients who seek psychiatric help today for mood disorders stand a good chance of being diagnosed with a disease that doesn’t exist and treated with a medication little more effective than a placebo.” http://www.wikio.com/themes/Edward+Shorter Whether the disease exists is a philisophical question in my opinion. It now certainly exists because it is written in the DSM, will have a code which therapists and other practitioners can give to insurance companies, which then people can be reimburred as they get “treatment” for their “disease”.
Moving beyond mood disorders,  I noticed there is an entry for caffeine-induced anxiety, or something like that. Can you imagine getting labelled for this disease and then being treated for it with medication which has other complications, all to get reimbursed by insurance, or because you happened to consult with someone who works from the DSM?

In our Soft Addictions solution coaching, you might identify drinking coffee as a soft addiction. But then you learn what feelings you have when you over-drink caffeine, what it does for you – why you drink so much of it, and how to replace it to really satisfy the need that compells you toward Starbucks in the first place!

I have seen so many people in our soft addictions program just stop drinking coffee by adding in other nourishing activities! And we only meet once every 3 weeks for 2 hours! This is so much less time-consuming than having a disease that needs medical treatment. Many of the salespeople in our program see how much money they’ve saved and have even refrained from coffee during the mulititudes of sales coffee-meeting

Find out more by visiting the Wright Leadership Institute’s site: www.softaddictions.com.

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Are you connected?

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010 by Angela

I don’t mean through cell phones, internet- facebook, linked in and the next and best gadget that is out there. I mean are you connected to yourself and what you value and what matters most to you. Connectedness is a feminine principle. It is about relationship and about living in the here and now. Traditionally, women have been the ones to hold the relationship and the importance of being connected. However, with the emphasis in our world on masculine values and standards, fewer and fewer woman are holding the importance of the feminine values. We are losing something about what it means to be women.

If you think about it, few of us spend little time in the present moment. We are racing to be successful and have more but we are missing in having those things while having more life and more connection. We probably spend more time numbing ourselves down through food, alcohol, internet and trying to have it all. Moments go by and we can’t even remember what happened or we have forgotten how to truly experience a moment in a way that it makes a fulfilling.

I have learned a lot from Dr. Judith Wright and her books on the One Decision and Soft Addictions. She has challenged me through her various trainings, MORE life training and the Woman’s Essential about what it means to be a woman. It has brought me more to living in the moment and valuing what matters to me. I have created more meaning and connection in my life while being successful from using her skills.

As women, I find that we think of ourselves last yet they always tell you if a plane is going down, you need to put yours on first in order to help those around you. Even though we know that, we still don’t really live like that. I challenge you to consider would you give a weekend to yourself to really learn more about what it takes to have a fulfilling, meaningful life? Would you be willing to do what it takes? If you are, check out the morelifetraining.com site or judithwright.com. Let me know your thoughts.

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Halloween- Fright night for most Soft Addictions

Monday, October 26th, 2009 by Angela

I loved Halloween as a kid and still do as an adult but for different reasons. As a youngster, I would get excited at deciding what costume I was going to wear or what I was going to create. I enjoyed seeing all the other costumes. Once school was out, it was a mad competition to see how much candy one could get before the end of the night.

As we were trick or treating, we paid attention to who gave the best candy or who gave money. We also paid attention to who gave crappy stuff like apples, popcorn balls etc. At the end of the night, we would compare what candy we got and trade each other. We ended up with enough candy to be anesthetized daily for the next year or so. From a kid’s perspective that didn’t matter.

Now as an adult, I still love dressing up, walking around, meeting people, and seeing all the costumes. Yet in terms of the trick or treating, it is my nightmare. I have a toddler and I am using the same costume as last year because it was too big for him then. I figure he doesn’t remember and he looks adorable in it. I think about the future and what it will be like letting him decide what to wear. How will I decide how much candy he can keep? Or how much candy he should collect while out? I mean half the fun is just being out and that should be more important, right?

I have been thinking about how to apply what I am learning from Dr. Judith Wright’s Soft Addiction Solution training. What if I used her 8 key skills? That should make it easy, right?

Skill 1- Make a One Decision- I have a One Decision I use that is I am a stand for truth. So, what is true is I want connection and to have fun on Halloween.

Skill 2- Identify your Soft Addiction- well that is easy- I am addicted to sugar and to stimulus of all the colors, outfits etc.

Skill 3- Minding Your Mind- This is tougher for I haven’t broken my denial fully on this yet I am aware of it and know that is the first step.

Skill 4- Discover the Why- Cracking your Own Code- I am aware of feeling insecure and that I am too sensitive and sugar helps numb my feelings.

Skill 5- Fulfill your Spiritual Hungers- I hunger for more sweetness and relationship. I can find other ways to get that met on that night of trick or treating like being at a friend’s house helping to distribute candy and making contact while people come by.

Skill 6- Develop a Vision- I have a vision of it being a fun-filled connected day, laughing, remembering how the day first was created and sharing that with my son as he gets older.

Skill 7- The Math of MORE- I can subtract out the number of pieces of candy I keep and commit to keeping 14 pieces. I can add in being with people and carving pumpkins and making pumpkin seeds.

Skill 8- Get Support and Accountability- I will share my ideas and vision with my colleagues and look for ways to join them on Halloween.

After going through Judith Wright’s 8 skills, Halloween doesn’t seem as scary any more. The only thing that will be scary will be the costumes!

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Bruce Willis is trapped in my blog.

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009 by Jillian

Bruce Willis is the star of the new movie Surrogates http://surrogates-movie-trailer.blogspot.com/. This movie is a fabulous concept (story is not so great) and provides insight into the human quest to avoid pain. Set in the future, technology has advanced so far that humans are able to control machines hooked up to their brains, by using their mental energy. Similar to the docking stations in the movie The Matrix, humans are “plugged in” to a device that is connected remotely to an outside robotic surrogate self. Humans can stay safely inside their home while their surrogate lives their life. Initially designed to protect soldiers’ lives in war, surrogates are now used by everyone in society, and you can choose any body shape, any face structure, hair style, etc….

Individuals send their surrogates to work, to date, have sex, to do any risky or even dangerous thing, as the surrogates do not feel pain. The individual sees what the surrogate sees, so humans are able to have experiences they might not normally have just being themselves. Society is now filled with these beautiful, model-looking robots walking around, while the humans are at home in sweats or their bathrobes living vicariously through them.

A problem is that the humans (called operators) are numbing themselves from the feelings that come from living, but they also don’t know who they are really talking to, given that the appearance of the surrogate in no way reflects the operator. People now don’t see the need to take care of themselves because they are not seen outside of their homes. This is a society of false selves, eerily mirroring our own society.

This movie provides the philosophical question to the watcher: to be or not to be. There is an existential choice between being truly real, even if it is repulsive, feeling pain, hurt and fear, or, choosing to be inauthentic and hide behind a false image that is an attempt to protect us from a real existence. Soft Addictions are what we, in real life, choose when we do not want to be real and authentic and feel our pain.  Surrogates are what the individuals in the movie choose.

The movie is a vote for feeling and being real, though I won’t tell you the ending…but I do recommend seeing it for yourself.

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Are "boys" a soft addiction?

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 by Jillian

I was in a conversation today with a talented and attractive young single woman. She shared how enlightened she became realizing that for her, boys were a soft addiction. It might seem strange to think that boys can be a soft addiction, but it’s really not.  The definition of a soft addiction is a ”seemingly harmless habit that zaps our time, money and energy”, and these habits that we do instinctually are trained in our brains to try to get our needs met. These habits don’t work, they don’t meet our needs, and we just deepen the groove in our brains – the neural pathways-  that keep us doing the same thing over and over with the same unsatisfying result.

This woman talked about how she would spend a lot of her time thinking about these boys she was meeting, sending text messaging, and fantasizing about the future with these boys, but then was unsatisfied with the actual dating encounter. I thought about how much I’ve grown in my own dating life and how I’ve really cut out a lot of the unsatisfying bullsh*t that can go along in the dating process. But, really, I do relate. I still play games – softly addictive ways of being- in my dating life. The biggest one for me is the soft addiction of avoidance and ommitting the truth. I routinely avoid sharing how I really feel and what I really want in relationships. It is such a habit for me that it takes writing down what I want to say, telling a friend that I plan on telling my date these things, and even then it takes a lot of chutzpah to do it! At least once a week after a phone conversation with someone I’m dating has ended, I force myself to call back and share what it was that I was really feeling and what I really wanted- otherwise that which I’ve ommitted blocks the intimacy that I am trying to build.

Underneath these soft addictions are unexpressed feelings and deeper hungers. For me, I feel fear and excitement, and experience a hunger to be loved, to be seen, and to matter. I think that’s why I do what I do – the silly wiring in my brain has be thinking that if I share what I want, I won’t get it, and then for sure I won’t be loved. I would bet that the young woman I spoke with was feeling angry about the back and forth superficial text messaging, and a hunger for genuine connection, and so spent time in her fantasies where she could create the relationship that she wants. We talked about this and shared that we are trying new ways of relating to these boys/men, telling the truth, expressing our feelings – in text messages to start – and then in real face to face interactions. This is what it takes to rewiring our brains and start to meet our deeper needs and hungers.

So, I think that boys, or men, certainly can be a soft addiction, but more important it is the ways of being when we are with boys/men that is the issue. Boys and men are great! The soft addictions that we engage in during the dating process is the problem! But isn’t it cool that we can use boys and men to see how different we act, catch these patterns and then change them?

Any thoughts?

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Maturation, a friendly concept for food lovers

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 by Jillian

I have been either on a diet, absolutely NOT on a diet, or thinking about what diet I should go on since I was in fourth grade. As sad as that is, I know I’m not alone, yet what a seriously crazy way to live. It’s odd that there is so much obesity, and the answer is to diet or maybe have plastic surgery, but it doesn’t really work. There is something clearly so wrong this is picture.

I’ve been reading the book “Food Swings” by Dr. Meltzer http://www.amazon.com/Food-Swings-Life-Changing-Connection-Well-Being/dp/1569246823 and things that I am currently learning and have known for a while clicked in place. The past three months I had made a conscious decision and declaration to transform my relationship with food, and so have been applying neuroscientific concepts to my eating patterns, examining my habits, and reading about the development of psychological coping responses (Anna Freud’s mature vs. immature responses).

Dr. Meltzer wrote about the Mommy – Daddy diet, or, the foods and ways that we were trained to eat as children. By trained, I mean that these ways of eating are HARD-WIRED into our brains and it takes huge conscious intention and coaching to RE-WIRE our brains. The Mommy – Daddy diet is immature, it is from our childhood, we need to grow up and make different sorts of food choices and have different reasons for eating than we did as children. I ate for soothing, comfort, reward, and for control.

Now, I’m all grown up, and, well, have been doing the same thing to my own dismay! So, I have started rewiring my brain to make mature decisions. It is totally awesome. I have been thinking entirely different about the my patterns and reasons for eating. It’s lunchtime – do I go to the nasty Flamingo greasy grill for a patty melt and fries? Well, I used to when I was feeling angry for not having a break and wanting to reward myself for a long work morning. But, wait, when I think about it, it is so not a reward as I always feel bad about myself after I eat that food, resentful that I had it, and in a slump from the grease and carb overload. So, I walk on by to the Fox and Obel and get a deliciously prepared salmon burger with sweet potatoes in a lovely environment with a friend. That is a break. The added bonus is the food is better and makes me happier, the food lover that I am! And when I want chocolate, my old pattern would be to acknowledge that chocolate will make me fat so I shouldn’t have it (as my parents might have told me), so I buy it anyway and gulp it down quickly in a sort of odd hiding manner. Now I have learned about the benefits of chocolate that is not processed and how it affects the brain (see the Food Swings book), and so I buy a high quality piece and enjoy it and notice the effects in my brain and it enters my body. Yum! Chocolate!

Oh, and the other cool thing is that my clothes are looser…but since it’s more immature to obsess about the number on the scale, I’ve chosen to not weigh myself and just enjoy what I’m learning!

Has anyone else made a shift like this, or want to make a shift like this?

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Soft Addictions – You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009 by Barb

Dr. Judith Wright (www.judithwright.com) is offering her Soft Addiction Solution Training for the first time in three years, and as we’re preparing for the training it’s amazing to look back and see how much has changed – and yet not – since Dr. Wright launched her first book in 2003.

Just as a retrospective, in 2003…

  • We added ‘cell phones’ to the list of Soft Addictions. Not everyone had them and pagers were still in use for some people over cell phones.
  • Facebook didn’t even exist, neither did Twitter or Flickr
  • Many people still didn’t shop online
  • “Soft Addiction” the term itself that was coined by Dr. Wright was not commonly quoted in media and online as it is today
  • Many people still felt like soft addictions were problems that other people had not themselves
  • “Crackberry” addict was an unknown term

We’ve come a long way since then in the sense that there is a general recognition that we all have soft addictions—the more compelling question now is which ones you have. And yet we’re still facing the same challenges with new opportunities for indulging our soft addictions coming to the surface almost daily. It’s easier than ever to go lost in our email, our computer, our cell phone, than ever before.

There is one key thing that isn’t common knowledge yet, that hopefully will be by the time we do our next retrospective. Hopefully by the next time we look back, more people will understand that breaking through these bad habits is not really about giving anything up. It’s about adding things to our lives—about creating amazing, fun, exciting, adventurous lives that are so fulfilling and meaningful that our bad habits aren’t as enticing. (Judith’s Math of MORE concept) It will be fun to look back when, rather than feeling shame about their bad habits, people are exciting to see what information they can discover about their deeper needs so they can meet them directly. An overly optimistic vision? Hopefully – an impending reality instead.

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